by DAVID BROWN | CLEARNFO.com | Oct 10, 2014

I use to juice everything in sight when I first got my new juicer. Of course I could never figure out how to juice a banana but one day I happened upon a full head of cabbage and so I excitedly juiced the entire head of cabbage in my 2.5 hp juicer. Now, when I smelled of the juice for the first time, the fragrance rising up into my nostrils burned a bit kind of like smelling chlorine or some petroleum distillate. That should have been my first warning, but I am a man and I can eat Jalapenos and even Habaneros so there is nothing too spicy or strong for me and besides cabbage is good for you. I remember drinking the entire glass in one big gulp and thinking how this tasted like the gasoline that I use to siphon from my mom’s car as a child to fill up the lawn mower. I thought I might be able to perfect this as power for an internal combustion engine someday. After a few minutes, I noticed that my stomach was physically writhing up and down like the choppy Seas of Cortez on a windy day. It was almost as though something was alive in side of me and I could visibly see the movement in my stomach. I knew I was in trouble but also had faith that this too would pass and so it did. It passed in the form of gas. A most odious form of gas much worse than plain old methane because it had a certain pungent sharp smell that might not just be unpleasant to the observer but actually dangerous to one’s health. Amazingly I was expelling more gas than I was taking in as air through my lungs by volume. How could this be? Maybe I had inadvertently invented a perpetual gas machine. My wife and family were forced to move out of the house and get a hotel for about a week while this wore off and I was left there alone with my misery and my gas…I do believe that some of the paint on the walls in our house bubbled, buckled, warped and ran as a result. Out of consideration I conducted all my business meetings remotely until this potion wore off. I no longer juice cabbage.